I have a dear friend who loves to talk about the truth, he is on a mission to remind everybody who crosses his path to be truthful. When he pronounces the words t-h-e t-r-u-t-h, his voice raises. His face becomes invaded with urgency. You can hear every letter of the phrase lingering, aiming certainty. Like a beam lightening darkness. I love that about him. He is relentless with his message. Hungry for virgin ears who are open to listen. I think he is at his best when sustaining that conversation.
In the last few months I have been working with Ari Galper, the founder of Unlock the Game, coaching his Inner Circle members. He has created a new philosophy for sales professionals. A new Mindset. A new Mindset with a new foundation. The truth. An unprecedented concept in the traditional variety of sales techniques. I love that about Ari. In his own words, “It’s a different way of thinking based on integrity, honesty, and truth.” He says. “It’s like this…forget about business for a moment and think about your own personal life. Do you want relationships with people who are comfortable not telling you the truth? Well, selling is a relationship too, and you can probably understand why “techniques” endorsed by traditional sales trainers make building a genuine human relationship virtually impossible.”
Alice Miller, the polish/Swiss psychologist, philosopher and sociologist who was an advocate for children during most of the 20th Century wrote a book called “The Truth will set you free.” It’s about overcoming emotional blindness and Finding your True Adult Self. This book speaks to the true nature of the human soul, it argues that only by embracing the truth about our past stories we can achieve contentment in the present.
My father used to say that you can deceive others, but you can’t deceive yourself. Even though it sounds good, I found through my experience that the contrary is often true. It is very easy to deceive yourself. But you can’t deceive others. When you pretend being somebody else, shows. People can see through you. Sometimes you stand embellishing your act convinced that your little secret is not out, when everybody is aware of it except yourself. It is not a good scene for you nor everybody else. Incredibly, enough people love you anyway because you have so many great traits that make up for the deceit. You are a great person who wants to pretend is somebody else. After all is your life. You are the master of your destiny right? Can you imagine how much more others would love you if you were not so afraid to show your real self?
Or if they didn’t, how good it would feel to accept they are not a fit for you? And move on?
Now, why do you do that? There are hundreds of reasons. We all do it to some extent while we walk through life trying to find out who we really are. Among those diverse reasons from our different circumstances, the bottom line, COMMON TO ALL OF US IS ONE MAIN REASON:
YOU ARE NOT GIVING PERMISSION TO YOURSELF TO BE YOU.
The thing is that you came to this world to be you. The one and only. Nobody else. “Le pese a quien le pese. Especialmente a ti. ” No matter what anybody thinks. Especially you.
I’ll remind you, that not allowing yourself to be you has some constant consequences. You know what they are, you are living them or used to live them. They are detrimental.
Let’s review some.
You have to pretend most of the time.
Your desires are not important.
You feel split inside most of the time.
You feel like you are cheating yourself most of the time.
You doubt a lot.
You are unable to express your feelings.
You can’t relate to other people.
Your resentment is bottled inside.
You become passive aggressive.
Actually accepting yourself exactly as you are, will erase all those feelings. For good.
You will feel free, energized, humbled, open, vulnerable, inspired, enriched, calm, human, strong.
In one word, truthful.
I promise.
Give yourself permission to be you.
Luz
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“So, how did the conference go”? I asked my son after he got in the car when I picked him up from the airport.
He had spent the last 4 days attending his company’s annual GM conference.
He had spent the last seven years escalating the corporate ladder in an upscale casual restaurant corporation with close to 150 restaurants in the country.
Those early days he started working as a waiter in one of their restaurants in the Washington DC metro area seemed so far away.
“It was pretty good mom, you know, I realized that I can’t compete with the big cities any more. I will never be able to make their numbers in a small town. And that’s alright with me. I chose to stay in this city in California in order to stop moving around. That was a conscious decision my wife and I made to give our son the stability that our family needed. I am happy with that decision.”
But there is still something else I can do. I can focus more on the hospitality area and become the first in the country in hospitality. Best service. That is perfectly feasible.”
He was always in love with his job, his company and his product. Ever since that day after working as a waiter for 6 months, he got promoted to expo manager.
“This is what I want to do with my life mom -he said - I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to escalate the corporate ladder with this company. I love it.”
“But darling, it is the restaurant business, you know what that means, no life. Remember my experience with restaurants and food?” - I answered. - It is the most thankless field on the planet.”
“Yes, but you are the one who taught me the love for food, mama” -he said- We both laughed, that was the end of the conversation and the rest is history.
He always wanted to provide the very best he could. His constant inner source of motivation had gotten him to become a General Manager within 5 years in the company. His career had demanded him moving around in the previous years from Washington, to Philadelphia, San Francisco, San Jose and Hawaii.
His wife was already putting up with the restaurant hours. Which you know, are pretty long and don’t include free weekends. She deserved to be in a stable place where she could build her own life with her child. I can imagine the everyday life she experienced in a new city when her husband was working all the time, and they would have to leave in a few months. Not fun.
Now she has a job, is starting a new career and a lot of friends. They still would like to spend more time together. They were able to do that only one day a week. However, their different schedules provided their son with quality time from both of them. He went to day care just to fill the gaps, not as a routine. And spent one full day with both of them.
A couple of months went by since that conversation at the airport. I was back home and he calls me one evening. He says: “Mom, would you say that I am a genius? ” “Of course, you know you are.” ” Well, as of now I am the sixth in the country in hospitality. The VPs and CEOs are telling every GM nationally to follow my example. ” Hes said laughing. He was so excited…
He does many things to achieve those results. He is a great leader, a great manager, he understands team work, he is enthusiastic, He has organizational skills, he is dependable, he is human, and on top he is bilingual. But above all he has a passion for what he does. That is the key.
Among all those attributes there is one thing he does that strikes me as a major element to his success.
Now, anybody who has worked in the restaurant business before, knows how stressful and thankless it can be. Especially in a restaurant like his. He has 300 employees under him. Very busy.
He spends a lot of the time walking the floor. Sensing everything that is happening. Present, supporting his staff by pitching in with help when is need. Participating with them.
When he sees a bus person or a bartender with a sad or worried grin on his or her face, he says Hey! so and so, let’s have a cup of coffee.
He sits with that person in a corner at one of the tables outside in the patio and asks if there is anything wrong and if he can help in any way. It turns out that they end up having a conversation about the solutions to the problem at hand, if there is no real solution he will help them move on. Because he cares. weather it is a personal or work related matter.
The needed conversation to relief the tension. To acknowledge the human being within the hard worker. Then he says: “Now you can go out there and show your best face to our guests.”
And he or she smiles and nods. Simply because after that conversation he or she feels a lot better.
A parenthesis of support and humanity is what makes all the difference. Just a little parenthesis, a small window, to remind them he doesn’t forget they are human. He shows his gratitude. I have to say it is a natural for him.
Corporate measures hospitality with mystery guests who relentlessly come unannounced out of the blue. He doesn’t have a clue if any of his staff at any given moment is talking to a guest or the corporate messenger on schedule.
He can’t afford to have his staff pretend they are happy all the time by not acknowledging their human needs. He understand that to get the real results it has to be genuine. Besides if they feel good at work, they obviously are going to reflect it on the customer, making the experience of every single guest as pleasant as it can be. With consistency.
They are giving a lot. He gives back. A 50/50. Then he doesn’t have to worry about the mystery guest. He is focusing on his employees’ contentment. His team. The little parenthesis of humanity of support that makes all the difference.
The team who will respond to his kindness with more kindness to his guests. Across the board. The team that got him to the 6th in the country. Another example of numbers made by people.
This endearing story leaves me thinking that if I was a bus person or a dishwasher at a very busy large upscale casual restaurant operation I would like to have my son to be my boss.
I spent 6 hour sitting at the bar in my last visit watching the operation. It was a pleasure.
If somebody asked me to write one word that would have all the elements of a magic keyword, the kind that has the power to transform, heal, clean, ultimately erase a lot of the nonsense that we humans engage in. Save time, enhance contentment and productivity, avoid pain, a keyword with so much power that if applied, would change the world…what would I say? I would probably say there is one word that comes to mind first. Acknowledgement.
Yes, a keyword with the ability to open the door to collective sanity. To self responsibility. Think about it. The worst mistakes in history were made because somebody didn’t acknowledge something or somebody else. The worst relationship disasters causing generations to repeat the same destructive patterns, causing endless pain, happen because somebody didn’t acknowledge somebody else or something.
Conflicts would transform into blissful feelings of empathy, almost instantly dissolving the tension, if one person takes the initiative to acknowledge his or her part in the equation. Ultimately acknowledging his or herself.
I know that the worst source of pain for me over the years was always rooted in some kind of perception that I was being erased. It was the lack of acknowledgement that hurt the most. It’s like you are looked at with the eyes of a very acute astigmatism without glasses.
It’s not like you need people to agree with you all the time or apologize or even empathize. Nor to judge your actions. Just to acknowledge you. No matter how bad a situation may look, you know deep down why you are doing it. It’s a matter of starting the conversation with your soul. Accepting your humanity.
You see, acknowledgement doesn’t carry emotion, “it is what it is. “Acknowledgement means embracing what it is. And what it is what we are. And what we are we have to honor. And to honor who we are we need to acknowledge the errors too.
Now, this doesn’t mean you have to flagellate or bend yourself to avoid being hang by the pole at the major square. Because you made a mistake. Not. You are human, remember? Your nature is to commit errors. There is perfection to be read in your errors though…did you know it? but that’s another story. A great start is to just begin to acknowledge them. As sources of information that can show the light underneath the ashes. The agents of change.
Why ? Because your errors represent the human part of you, and not seeing them makes you a lacking and bizarre silhouette of yourself, seen through eyes with a very acute astigmatism without glasses. My parents’ generation was not very good at acknowledging their actions and its consequences. They didn’t have enough information about human nature and its behaviors. Nor they had notion of powerful thoughts and different ways.
We have the gift of their experience and the information at our disposal to question and reinvent what needs to be reinvented. Starting with the stage of our lives. As it is. It’s a great privilege. Acknowledgement is a useful short cut.
Besides, when we acknowledge ourselves and accept who we are, people will acknowledge us completely. Acknowledge your soul, it will guide you to acknowledge every thing else, and best of all, you will be acknowledged wherever you go.
Visuals are very powerful. Enjoy this masterful performance by Jerome Murat, acknowledging his soul.It will stay in your retina as a reminder of the bridge to your soul from your humanity.
Well, it has been three weeks since I wrote my last post here. I tell you, I am so thrilled that our community is much more crowded with members than it was three weeks ago. I have enjoyed watching it grow, like a duck in the water. Happy, fulfilled, content and satisfied. Welcome everybody. It’s such a pleasure opening the page and being able to see your faces, your photographs, your videos, your writing and above all your THOUGHTS. THANKS to all for joining, and thanks in advance to the ones that are to come.
It’s been a great process. As every process, carried its share of rocks on the way, ( Carol would say.) You know what happens with rocks in the middle of your way. You have to STOP, and sometimes stopping is not fun. Especially when moving the rock to take it out of the road to continue, means you have to read a manual of some technical stuff. That is a heavy rock. (Many of you know how bad I am at that stuff.) Anyway, what the heck, the rock is there and you have to take care of business. Check out this video. Central Station Frozen. Is pretty relevant. Sometimes stopping is not a bad thing. http://soulhangout.ning.com/video/video/show?id=1978393%3AVideo%3A1942
It’s interesting how we allow external forces to interrupt our lives, invade it with foreign activities to live in a perennially interrupted mode and then when we have to stop and are given the opportunity to allow internal forces to interrupt us and be acknowledged, we resist.
It is so very frustrating though. But the frustration comes from the idea that you wanted to continue without interruption. Internet marketing is full of interruptions. Full of relevant and needed information. Like every process. But as I was saying, sometimes your horse hauling the carriage of tunnel vision race is ABRUPTLY STOPPED and you are prompted to change gears and pay attention to something else, “less important”. Most of the time pretty basic and primary. Simple and technical as a video of how to use auto-responders. Necessary too. That’s the part I would love to skip.
In other words, everything lasted longer than I expected. The process was unraveling at its own rhythm. It was my expectation what was really out of track.
I always hated transitions anyway. Eckhart Tolle, the author of “The new Earth” calls them means to an end. Any way I much less enjoy reading technical manuals. During the transition periods, staying in the moment was torture. It didn’t feel comfortable. I wanted to rush the process. Looking back it was my resistance to change. It was the frenzy to go from start to outcome. The ADD inhabitant in my body mandating speed.
Last week, somebody very close and very dear called me and told me that she had written a letter - Letters are powerful healing tools, for the giver and the receiver - she told me the story. Her brother in law had separated from his wife 3 months ago, and is now considering going back to his marriage.
She said she had this urge, a feeling bigger than her, to sit down by the computer and start typing. She said she started typing and started crying. She said she couldn’t stop writing, neither crying, until she finished the letter.
The letter is about a stuck little person hiding in a room feeling he or she wants to crawl under a rock and never come out. Sometimes our childish human behavior even when we are way into adulthood is very clear, like watching the 5 year old child acting out in the 55 year old lady’s body, who monopolizes the moment, not being able to share conversation with the group. Acting out in the fifties what could not be acted out at five. Sometimes is more subtle. In any case, while we engage in our childish behavior as adults, we don’t think while we fight with our spouse that maybe, there is a scared little person hidden in a room hibernating. With a desperate need to talk to somebody that will reassure him or her that his or her feelings are valid, and he or she doesn’t have to be trapped in that reality for ever. Here is the letter.
We are not disclosing the real names, in order to protect the persons involved, especially the children. Enjoy! Perhaps you feel identified or know a child in the same situation.
Hey. I am emailing you because I figured it’s better than a phone call for me. It’s easier to express myself. However, if you want to talk about it, I am there for you.
As you know, my mom and dad did not have the most cordial relationship. Yes, they loved each other very much.
(Although, I am convinced that my dad loved my mom lots more because he was hooked to her mental games. I realised it in my adulthood). However, when they fought, it was very sad for me. As a matter of fact, here I am, 39 and I can’t even type about it without crying. When my dad and mom argued, I would literally lock myself in my room and hibernate.
I am thankful for having had a live-in nanny that was my rock. I could “hide” with her and she would tell me that “everything would be fine”. Like I said, I had an adult to talk to and let everything out. Your little boys need to be able to talk to someone other than you or Elizabeth or anyone else in the families (non-bias) and VENT!!!
You can tell that Derek has so much inside that he needs to let out, but he can’t, because he unknowingly can’t tell anyone in either family for fear of hurting the parents. I, personally, think it would be very good for them to see a therapist. I had a nanny that I could count on for that, and if she would not have been around, I would have become even more of an introvert. I see myself in Derek. A shy little person.
Anyway, back to me (Peter would probably say typical…me me me). One time, when my parents had a screaming match, my dad got so frustrated that he kicked the shower door and had to get 23 stitches on the arch of his foot. He never hurt my mother physically, but he had to take it out somehow. That was the first big fight that I can remember and we were still living on Belle-view Dr. I was 8, I think.
We moved to the house on 19th street, which you have been to many times. And the fights continued, but now, my mom started calling the cops. Jason, that was the worst thing ever.,, I was so mortified every time the cops came…and they were there often. My house was perfectly situated where the school buses would all come down Stark Street, (which is directly in front of the house). I had to come up with creative ideas as to why the cops were at my house AGAIN!…IT TOTALLY SUCKED!!!
They also would fight when I had friends over, therefore I did not have friends over that often. When they came, I would turn up the stereo or TV up really loud, so they would not hear my parents fighting (again, verbally, never physically). I tried to pretend that it was not happening, but it was…
All I wanted to do was crawl under a rock and never come out. Seriously, it got to the point that I did not want to invite my friends over for the fear of my parent’s fighting. Now, I did have one thing going for me. My dad was in the travel business, which meant that he traveled all the time. He would be gone 1/2 of the year total. I hate to say it, but I could not wait for my dad to leave. Not having my dad around was like living in paradise… not because I didn’t love him, but because I knew there weren’t going to be any fights…and I could have my friends over (that included Elizabeth, BTW).
Now, when I knew my dad was coming back, my stomach would turn, I would feel sick. Since he was usually coming back from Europe, that meant that he would arrive at home when I was at school. I didn’t want to go home. Actually, I didn’t want to go home A LOT!!!
Now, you tell me… is that the kind of household a kid should come home to? A kid’s home should be their sanctuary where they should always feel safe…which is what your brother and I have given Rachel. Whenever I pick her up from school and I have to run errands afterwards, she gets upset because she wants to go home. She loves her home, not just in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense.
Yes, can you believe it? It’s the thoughts, it was like that all along. After all these years thinking the solution to our problems laid in a foggy castle of a far away and foreign reign with the illusion that somehow, in a magic pastel color way one day is going to materialize in front of our eyes and fix everything… too much of misinterpreted fairy tale mentality over too many years. Now we have to discern. Who would have thought that the magic wand to the miracle of change is in those millions of unimportant and irrelevant thoughts marching in our head daily and persistently.
I just can’t get enough of it. The idea that the power I always longed for was there, inside, in my thoughts, within reach, totally fascinates me. Believe me, I searched. I did, long and hard. I am flabbergasted with the reality that I actually have a magic wand in my hands. Not afar… Right here, inside. Go figure, that level of simplicity . I am so grateful to me, for allowing myself to see it. Every day. The alternative would have been more of the same and we all know how that feels.
In the beginning, it was difficult. Hard work, but just because you have to pay more attention, and attention towards the inside is something you are not accustomed to. That’s the hard work. To put the effort into getting accustomed to something. It’s not too bad. The rewards are effortlessly dancing the power of your life without distractions or interruptions. You redirected the attention to the center. From the center there is a better view of everything.
Those thoughts that seem harmless. However, they are preventing you to be you…and is so many of them. Millions. Dr Stanley Haleakala Hew Len, the Hoopono master, co-author with Joe Vitale of “Zero Limits” says there are about 15.000.000. An imaginary giant “white out” would go a long way. You just picture it in your head and click to any disposable thought. Imagine, 15.000.000! It’s too long the list of bad habits that have to be erased from our database. It will take some effort. In a way is like unlearning all the learned. To see again with the freshness of your innocent child. Your essence. You might start doing it, without delay. This is the kind of thing you don’t postpone.
Those thoughts that trespassed the fences of your free will, installing themselves in your head. The lamenting choir of the oracle, weaving a patched up reality that does not pertain to you. That’s the worst part, they are not even your own thoughts. They made their way through, when you were little or vulnerable, you couldn’t help it. Then, they grew roots. You got used to them. Attached to the misconceived concept of comfort. The comfort of the known. You see through their eyes a lot of the times. The thing is, your life ought to be seen only through your own eyes.
You keep having doubts or indecision ? Assert your right to fail.
Imagine that you call a mandatory meeting.
Yes, invite all those people having a conversation inside your head. They show up in the form of one of your parents or both, your siblings, your friends, one neighbor, your grandmother your spouse or the 3rd grade teacher. All those voices whose volume is louder than yours. Whatever voice that’s influencing your behavior, instead of the voice of your soul.
Those familiar voices. The baby blanket that we have outgrown. A part of you wants to hold on to them… you have been doing it for years… The uncertainty of the unknown makes you nervous. Nevertheless, they only are memories from the past, trying to assert themselves in the present. They belong with a photo album. With their whisper of wisdom from their experience. Not a vital voice in the stage of your life today.
Invite them to sit around a round table and tell them how grateful your are for them. How you appreciate their existence in your life. And yes, you love them. Or you don’t. Or you don’t know…But for the gods sake this is your life and you need to find your own ways. Tell them that you as-well as they came to this world with a sacred purpose and it’s your duty to decide what path you take to find it. You will take charge of your duty. You will take their advise when necessary. Many times they are right, many times they are wrong. It’s irrelevant. You are willing to assert your right to fail, read the perfection of your errors with them and discern, together. Like the lovely old song, one of my favorites…”the famous man that had to fall to rise again and picks himself up, dust himself off and starts all over again.” He picks himself up.
Get them all to join forces on your cause and support you. Work together. There is always light in the ashes of your errors. It’s up to you to look hard and you need more eyes. They will help look, and understand . Create unity. Team.
Take full responsibility every step.
Under your leadership they will become the mastermind group dedicated to your growth.
Get into the habit of guarding those thoughts.
White out the irrelevant ones. On regular basis.
With the others you follow up like a hawk.
They will adjust with a sense of relief. Before you know, they will be a team on automatic pilot, helping you find the path of your purpose. Your own cheer leaders. Your own support group. Like any project with a good foundation. A healthy mastermind group in your head to project to the outside world. And then you can change the world. You started with you. It’s just a doable strategy.
Don’t forget the phrase, it’s the thoughts, stupid! nothing else. It will be a reminder.In the meantime, share the experience and tell the stories. Is helpful, very helpful.
“You are not allowed to speak about behaviors any more”… said my boss, a couple of weeks before my resignation.
I looked at her, and knew it was the beginning of the end. We had known each other for many years. I had always been fond of her. I knew it was mutual. Even though working together for the last two years had exposed the opposite philosophies we had regarding business and life in general, leaving us both with a sense of futility.
However, I could completely understand her. She had the misfortune of having to put up with me. My daily grief about the very proven theory regarding behaviors and thoughts… The need to address behaviors in order to obtain serious change etc. It went on for over 2 years. She must have been sick of it. I can’t blame her. I know how unbearable I can be when I believe in something hard enough. . .and this was my life’s passion. She also had a very good point. I wasn’t selling enough. She wanted more sales and less problem solving non applicable theories. Mea culpa. By then I felt that our sales strategies needed a serious reinvention to match the new challenges. To keep milking the old cow the same way was simply not enough.
Our thoughts do create our reality and our behaviors are the manifestation of those thoughts.If we are able to:
Identify conditioning thoughts, and dismiss them,
(The thoughts that hold us back and prevent us from succeeding and/or ultimately being fulfilled),
and we are able to replace them with soul-thoughts that will attract the good things we need, the behaviors will follow… and Voila…we are on the way to our full potential, or what I call to meet the Ultimate You.
Well, it has been three weeks since I wrote my last post here. I tell you, I am so thrilled that our community is much more crowded with members than it was three weeks ago. I have enjoyed watching it grow, like a duck in the water. Happy, fulfilled, content and satisfied. Welcome everybody. It’s such a pleasure opening the page and being able to see your faces, your photographs, your videos, your writing and above all your THOUGHTS. THANKS to all for joining, and thanks in advance to the ones that are to come. 
Yes, can you believe it? It’s the thoughts, it was like that all along. After all these years thinking the solution to our problems laid in a foggy castle of a far away and foreign reign with the illusion that somehow, in a magic pastel color way one day is going to materialize in front of our eyes and fix everything… too much of misinterpreted fairy tale mentality over too many years. Now we have to discern. Who would have thought that the magic wand to the miracle of change is in those millions of unimportant and irrelevant thoughts marching in our head daily and persistently.