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Archive for March, 2008

A Little Person’s Voice About Divorce, and the Hispanic Nannie, a Hero in the Shadows

March 25th, 2008 10 Comments » Filed under Letters

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Last week, somebody very close and very dear called me and told me that she had written a letter – Letters are powerful healing tools, for the giver and the receiver – she told me the story. Her brother in law had separated from his wife 3 months ago, and is now considering going back to his marriage.

She said she had this urge, a feeling bigger than her, to sit down by the computer and start typing. She said she started typing and started crying. She said she couldn’t stop writing, neither crying, until she finished the letter.

The letter is about a stuck little person hiding in a room feeling he or she wants to crawl under a rock and never come out. Sometimes our childish human behavior even when we are way into adulthood is very clear, like watching the 5 year old child acting out in the 55 year old lady’s body, who monopolizes the moment, not being able to share conversation with the group. Acting out in the fifties what could not be acted out at five. Sometimes is more subtle. In any case, while we engage in our childish behavior as adults, we don’t think while we fight with our spouse that maybe, there is a scared little person hidden in a room hibernating. With a desperate need to talk to somebody that will reassure him or her that his or her feelings are valid, and he or she doesn’t have to be trapped in that reality for ever. Here is the letter.

We are not disclosing the real names, in order to protect the persons involved, especially the children. Enjoy! Perhaps you feel identified or know a child in the same situation.

Hey. I am emailing you because I figured it’s better than a phone call for me. It’s easier to express myself. However, if you want to talk about it, I am there for you.

As you know, my mom and dad did not have the most cordial relationship. Yes, they loved each other very much.

(Although, I am convinced that my dad loved my mom lots more because he was hooked to her mental games. I realised it in my adulthood). However, when they fought, it was very sad for me. As a matter of fact, here I am, 39 and I can’t even type about it without crying. When my dad and mom argued, I would literally lock myself in my room and hibernate.

I am thankful for having had a live-in nanny that was my rock. I could “hide” with her and she would tell me that “everything would be fine”. Like I said, I had an adult to talk to and let everything out. Your little boys need to be able to talk to someone other than you or Elizabeth or anyone else in the families (non-bias) and VENT!!!

You can tell that Derek has so much inside that he needs to let out, but he can’t, because he unknowingly can’t tell anyone in either family for fear of hurting the parents. I, personally, think it would be very good for them to see a therapist. I had a nanny that I could count on for that, and if she would not have been around, I would have become even more of an introvert. I see myself in Derek. A shy little person.

Anyway, back to me (Peter would probably say typical…me me me). One time, when my parents had a screaming match, my dad got so frustrated that he kicked the shower door and had to get 23 stitches on the arch of his foot. He never hurt my mother physically, but he had to take it out somehow. That was the first big fight that I can remember and we were still living on Belle-view Dr. I was 8, I think.

We moved to the house on 19th street, which you have been to many times. And the fights continued, but now, my mom started calling the cops. Jason, that was the worst thing ever.,, I was so mortified every time the cops came…and they were there often. My house was perfectly situated where the school buses would all come down Stark Street, (which is directly in front of the house). I had to come up with creative ideas as to why the cops were at my house AGAIN!…IT TOTALLY SUCKED!!!

They also would fight when I had friends over, therefore I did not have friends over that often. When they came, I would turn up the stereo or TV up really loud, so they would not hear my parents fighting (again, verbally, never physically). I tried to pretend that it was not happening, but it was…

All I wanted to do was crawl under a rock and never come out. Seriously, it got to the point that I did not want to invite my friends over for the fear of my parent’s fighting. Now, I did have one thing going for me. My dad was in the travel business, which meant that he traveled all the time. He would be gone 1/2 of the year total. I hate to say it, but I could not wait for my dad to leave. Not having my dad around was like living in paradise… not because I didn’t love him, but because I knew there weren’t going to be any fights…and I could have my friends over (that included Elizabeth, BTW).

Now, when I knew my dad was coming back, my stomach would turn, I would feel sick. Since he was usually coming back from Europe, that meant that he would arrive at home when I was at school. I didn’t want to go home. Actually, I didn’t want to go home A LOT!!!

Now, you tell me… is that the kind of household a kid should come home to? A kid’s home should be their sanctuary where they should always feel safe…which is what your brother and I have given Rachel. Whenever I pick her up from school and I have to run errands afterwards, she gets upset because she wants to go home. She loves her home, not just in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense.

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It’s the thoughts, stupid!

March 6th, 2008 4 Comments » Filed under The Hawk Mindset

istock_000004782465xsmall.jpgYes, can you believe it?  It’s the thoughts, it was like that all along.  After all these years thinking the solution to our problems laid in a foggy castle of a far away and foreign reign with the illusion that somehow, in a magic pastel color way one day is going to materialize in front of our eyes and fix everything… too much of misinterpreted fairy tale mentality over too many years. Now we have to discern.  Who would have thought that the magic wand to the miracle of change is in those millions of  unimportant and irrelevant thoughts marching in our head daily and persistently.

I just can’t get enough of it. The idea that the power I always longed for was there, inside, in my thoughts, within reach, totally fascinates me. Believe me, I searched. I did, long and hard. I am flabbergasted with the reality that I actually have a magic wand in my hands. Not afar… Right here, inside. Go figure, that level of simplicity .  I am so grateful to me, for allowing myself to see it.  Every day.  The alternative would have been more of the same and we all know how that feels.

In the beginning, it was difficult. Hard work, but just because you have to pay more attention, and attention towards the inside is something you are not accustomed to.  That’s the hard work.  To put the effort into getting accustomed to something. It’s not too bad.  The rewards are effortlessly dancing the power of your life without distractions or interruptions. You redirected the attention to the center.  From the center there is a better view of everything.

Those thoughts that seem harmless.  However, they are preventing you to be you…and is so many of them.  Millions. Dr Stanley Haleakala Hew Len, the Hoopono master, co-author with Joe Vitale of “Zero Limits”  says there are about 15.000.000.  An imaginary  giant “white out” would go a long way. You just picture it in your head and click to any disposable thought. Imagine, 15.000.000!  It’s too long the list of bad habits that have to be erased from our database. It will take some effort.  In a way is like unlearning all the learned. To see again with the freshness of your innocent child. Your essence. You might start doing it, without delay. This is the kind of thing you don’t postpone.

Those thoughts that  trespassed the fences of your free will, installing  themselves in your head.  The lamenting choir of the oracle, weaving   a patched up reality that does not pertain to you.  That’s the worst part, they are not even your own thoughts.  They made their way through, when you were little or vulnerable, you couldn’t help it. Then, they grew roots. You got used to them. Attached to the misconceived concept of comfort. The comfort of  the known. You see through their eyes a lot of the times. The thing is,  your life ought to be seen only through your own eyes.

You keep having doubts or  indecision ?  Assert your right to fail.

Imagine that you call an internal  mandatory meeting.

Yes, invite all those people having a conversation inside your head. They show up in the form of one of your parents or both, your siblings, your friends, one neighbor, your grandmother your spouse or the 3rd grade teacher. All those voices whose volume is  louder than yours. Whatever voice that’s influencing your behavior, instead of the voice of your soul.

Those familiar voices. The baby blanket that we have outgrown.  A part of you wants to hold on to them… you have been doing it for years… The uncertainty of the unknown makes you nervous. Nevertheless, they only are memories from the past,  trying to assert themselves in the present. They belong with a photo album.  With their whisper of wisdom  from their experience. Not a vital voice in the stage of your life today.

Invite them to sit around a round table and tell them how grateful  your are for them. How you appreciate their existence in your life. And yes, you love them.  Or you don’t.  Or you don’t know…But for the gods sake this is your life and you need to find your own ways.  Tell them that you as-well as they came to this world with a sacred purpose and it’s your duty to decide what path you take to find it.  You will take charge of your duty.  You will take their advise when necessary. Many times they are right, many times they are wrong. It’s irrelevant. You are willing to assert your right to fail, read the perfection of your errors with them and discern, together. Like the lovely old song, one of my favorites…”the famous man that had to fall to rise again and picks himself up, dust himself off and starts all over again.” He picks himself up.

Get them all to join forces on your cause and support you. Work together. There is always light in the ashes of your errors. It’s up to you to look hard and you need more eyes.  They will help look, and understand .  Create unity.  Team.

Take full responsibility every step. You are the creator, remember?

Under your leadership they will become the mastermind group dedicated to your growth.

Get into the habit of guarding those thoughts.

White out the irrelevant ones. On regular basis.

With the others you follow up like a hawk.

They will adjust with a sense of relief. Before you know, they will be a team on automatic pilot, helping you find the path of your purpose. Your own cheer leaders. Your own support group respecting your free will. Like any project with a good foundation. A healthy mastermind group in your head to project to the outside world. And then you can change the world. You started with you. It’s just a doable strategy.

Don’t forget the phrase, it’s the thoughts, stupid! nothing else. It will be a reminder.In the meantime, share the experience and tell the stories. Is helpful, very helpful.

Luz

The Thought Provoking, Irreverent  Pearl Necklace Grandmother of the 21st C. Paradigm Shifter, Poet, Storyteller, Marketer, Visionary, Blogger, Coach.

Founder Soul Hangout http://soulhangout.net/2171
Founder of  Co-Creative Circles of Coherence, Soul Mastermind Groups. Consciously Connecting & Combining Intelligence with a touch of “Curry”. The 7 “C”‘s of the 7 Condiments of Cooperation

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